Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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