how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
