do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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