I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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