He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
