Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
