I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Randomize
