if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
