imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
