were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
