Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
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