After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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