Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
