She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
