My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
