this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
What a dumb baby whore.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
