What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
