if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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