I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
