alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
