If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
