I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
