Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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