words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
My liver is preforming stress tests.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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