why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
