i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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