Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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