my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
