And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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