My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
