If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
