pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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