Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
