So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
