First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
