so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize