I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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