We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
