I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
