I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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