I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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