standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
