Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
