i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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