the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
