I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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