:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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