My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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