The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
