Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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