So drunk its hurt
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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