I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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