Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
