No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
