tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize