I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize