Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
