my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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