Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
