I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
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