Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
