I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
