i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
