i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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