They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize