if you like me you must not know who I am
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
